00:00 Stephen Colbert Welcome to The Late Show, everybody. 00:02 I'm Stephen Colbert. 00:03 I think. 00:06 I'm not sure what to believe about anything anymore. 00:11 Let me ask him. 00:12 How's everybody doing right now? 00:14 How are you feeling? 00:16 All right. 00:17 All right. 00:17 I'm glad. 00:17 You know what? 00:18 I'm glad. 00:19 I'm glad. 00:20 That's better than I thought. 00:23 Because, you know, I am so glad to be with you tonight. 00:27 I wouldn't want to be alone right now, you know? 00:29 And if you'll be there, I'm not going anywhere, all right? 00:35 What's it, four years? 00:36 Four years? 00:38 We got four very interesting years in front of us. 00:43 But I don't know about y'all, I did not get a lot of sleep last night. 00:46 Did you sleep at all, John? 00:48 About three and a half hours or so. 00:49 Three and a half hours? 00:50 Yeah. 00:50 And those are jazz hours. 00:52 Yeah. 00:53 Those are not normal hours. 00:54 Exactly, the whole time it's arpeggios. 00:58 Right. 00:58 Walking around the streets of New York today, a lot of people, a little rough. 01:03 You know, you can see it in their eyes. 01:06 There's no way around it. 01:07 This is what it feels like when America's made great again. 01:13 I was wondering, and I was really hoping it would feel better, because this sucks! 01:32 And I don't know if you guys had any trouble getting in here tonight, because right now, tonight, thousands of people have taken to the streets and protests in cities all over America. 01:46 Matter of fact, in this neighborhood, actually, Times Square and Columbus Circle, one group went right by the theater. 01:53 Jim, do we have it? 01:54 Yeah, there it is. 01:54 We shot it outside, right outside of our office window. 01:57 There's the Colbert sign right there. 02:00 And so I'm just saying the unity thing might take a scooch longer than Trump was hoping for. 02:08 Now, I just want to say... 02:10 Freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, First Amendment, the most important things we can do together. 02:16 And don't stop speaking up. 02:21 Don't stop speaking your mind. 02:22 Don't ever be cowed by what happens in the next four years. 02:25 But do keep in mind that for eight years, a lot of people wouldn't accept that Barack Obama was president of the United States. 02:31 For instance, Donald Trump. 02:35 But, like it or not, for the record, not. 02:41 We have to accept that Donald Trump will be the 45th president of the United States. 02:47 And I... No, no. 02:50 Listen, I get that feeling completely. 02:52 I just had to say it one more time. 02:56 I just want to keep saying it until I can say it without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. 03:02 Or, like, feeling I'm... 03:06 There's actually... 03:06 There's actually... 03:06 I don't even feel this. 03:08 It feels like a little bit of a dream state. 03:09 All day long, I've had to remind myself, oh, yeah, this isn't a dream. 03:12 I'm not on, like, ayahuasca tea or a bad peyote trip on the hunt of the great deer, you know? 03:19 This is real. 03:21 And, you know, whatever the GOP is saying publicly today, I have a feeling they might be feeling the same way. 03:28 Because, remember, 03:29 The Republican Party spent almost the entirety of this election in panic, trying to stop Donald Trump from being their nominee. 03:37 And when they could not, surprise. 03:41 They won the presidency, both houses of Congress, and soon a new seat on the Supreme Court. 03:46 It's like the GOP got caught in a plunging elevator, and they all fell screaming 10 stories down, and then landed gently to have the doors open on a candy store where everything is free. 03:59 What? 04:01 What? 04:01 For me? 04:02 For me? 04:03 What? 04:04 Oh, oh, look, I can gobble up all your rights. 04:07 Oh, oh, oh. 04:10 Oh, oh, please. 04:11 Please, please, please. 04:12 No, no, no, no. 04:14 Not, please, please, no more reproductive rights. 04:16 I'm full. 04:17 Thanks so much. 04:19 Now, in this metaphor, Donald Trump is Willy Wonka, who has been genetically crossbred with a carnivorous Oompa Loompa. 04:28 Now, one of the things, I had this a little bit, though I didn't spend much time at home, but a lot of people are struggling this morning, you know, besides with doing laundry of just their pants for some reason, was how to explain Trump's victory to their kids, you know? 04:49 How do we tell them? 04:51 Well, I think this is one rare instance where we should look to the president-elect's example last night. 04:57 Donald Trump Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. 05:11 I mean that very sincerely. 05:13 Stephen Colbert So just follow his lead and lie. 05:17 Just tell your kids in a reassuring voice that Trump is going to be good, maybe, you know? 05:25 Maybe he'll be different from how he was and always is. 05:27 Or, can we tell the story? 05:31 You okay with it? 05:32 Okay, so do what my showrunner Chris did. 05:34 This is my showrunner, Chris Licht, everybody. 05:38 Chris... 05:40 You told this story this morning. 05:42 Do you mind telling this story? 05:43 Sure. 05:43 Okay, so this morning, you came in, and you said that one of your sons woke you up this morning. 05:47 And what did he say? 05:48 Chris Licht He said, my older brother said that Donald Trump won last night. 05:52 Stephen Colbert Uh-huh. 05:53 Chris Licht And you said? 05:54 I said, that's actually what happened. 05:56 And he burst into tears. 05:58 Difficult. 05:59 Stephen Colbert Change is difficult. 06:01 This is the magic part. 06:03 Chris Licht I said, don't worry, son. 06:05 Being president is not that big of a job. 06:08 Stephen Colbert Okay. 06:09 Father of the Year, right there. 06:11 I don't know if I could do better than that. 06:20 Just tell them anything. 06:22 Tell them the new president is Elsa from Frozen. 06:26 It's the only way to get them to let it go. 06:32 Just, I don't know what to tell them. 06:33 Tell them what you should always tell kids. 06:34 Work hard, be kind, care about other people. 06:37 Don't be selfish. 06:38 Don't grab them where they don't want to be grabbed. 06:42 And they'll make the world a better place than Donald Trump can. 06:46 You know, because I don't think... 06:54 I don't think kids really should have to care about who the president is. 06:57 They should care about coloring books and Legos and whether eating Pac-Rox and Coke will make your stomach explode. 07:04 Totally will, by the way. 07:07 And if your child asks the ultimate question, why do bad things happen to good people, you finally have the answer, the electoral college. 07:28 And if all else fails, I saw some footage last night of this kid who was captured on camera at a congressional victory party. 07:36 Here he is, grandma's dancing in the background while he eyes that glass of wine. 07:40 And welcome to the Trump administration. 07:44 Yes, yes. 07:47 There's a message of hope. 07:48 Clinton lost last night, but by God, somewhere in America, a little boy learned how to pound Merlot like Kathie Lee Gifford. 07:56 And do we have any? 07:59 We don't have any. 08:01 I had a couple of cocktails last night, and I got to tell you, really helped. 08:05 Hey, you know who's really taking this strangely well? 08:08 Hillary Clinton. 08:10 Even though the possible first female president lost to a crotch-grabbing beauty pageant owner, listen to what she said this morning. 08:20 Hillary Clinton Donald Trump is going to be our president. 08:24 We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. 08:28 How are you already accepting this? 08:31 Stephen Colbert Did you pay extra for the fast pass through the five stages of grief? 08:36 You know acceptance is last, right? 08:38 Acceptance is the last one. 08:44 You got the card. 08:44 I think she's got the card upside down. 08:47 They're shuffled up. 08:48 You've got to go through every stage. 08:49 The first three are easy to remember. 08:52 Denial, anger, and bargaining, because that was Trump's campaign strategy. 08:57 Then you've got depression, then acceptance, then dramatic haircut, and rebound boyfriend. 09:06 But I can't blame her. 09:07 Everybody processes grief differently. 09:09 I heard Elizabeth Warren got a neck tattoo. 09:13 Personally, go get him. 09:16 Go get him, Liz. 09:20 Personally, I made it all the way to depression. 09:23 Or as a great president once tweeted, sad. 09:25 That hurt. 09:32 That hurt to say. 09:34 My heart actually hurt to say that. 09:37 Now, a lot of folks are very casually throwing around the idea of moving to Canada, you know? 09:44 I know. 09:44 I know. 09:45 Canada. 09:45 Canada, the language of France with the culture of Minnesota. 09:50 Beautiful country. 09:51 Beautiful country. 09:52 You're welcome. 09:52 But don't reach for your passport yet, because last night, as the election returns were coming in, the Canadian immigration website crashed. 10:02 Don't know why. 10:04 A lot of websites went down last night. 10:06 ApocalypseBunkers.net, StresseatersAnonymous.org, and ClanClothing.biz. 10:13 Yes, we clan! 10:16 Now, they're doing a brisk business. 10:18 Now, I can understand why Canada is so attractive. 10:21 You got the free healthcare and a prime minister who looks like the prince from Tangled. 10:29 But listen up, everybody out there, every American who's thinking of like, oh, I'm gonna go to Canada, you don't get to flee to another country when things get rough here. 10:37 Being an American citizen is like family. 10:41 You're in it whether you like it or not. 10:45 I mean, for Pete's sake, at Thanksgiving when Uncle Ernie hits the high balls and starts saying racist things about the help, you don't storm off from the table and move next door. 10:53 You stay and elect him commander in chief. 11:00 That's America. 11:09 You know, when I'm feeling shaky sometimes, I've been doing this all day. 11:12 I did this last night as we saw the returns coming in, and I'm doing a lot today. 11:16 This is what I like to do. 11:17 When I'm feeling a little shaky, and I think you folks might be a little shaky, I like to put these on. 11:26 And before, seconds ago, I was sad. 11:30 Now, I'm a sexy kitty. 11:36 Okay? 11:39 I know this truth. 11:40 I know this truth. 11:41 Trump may be president, but I'm still a sexy kitty. 11:57 Don't go far with those, Mark. 11:58 I might need them later. 12:02 Now, one of the most shocking things about Trump's election is that it is shocking. 12:10 Every pollster just shanked this one right into the woods. 12:14 I mean, we might as well ask a magic goat who's gonna win. 12:18 Oh, wait, that won't help either, because they tried that in Scotland, and it picked Hillary Clinton. 12:25 Thanks for nothing, magic goat. 12:28 That's why you guys are the donkeys of sheep. 12:32 But there are some polling traditions that are better than the so-called scientific polls this year, like this fish in India who chose to eat food off a picture of Trump over the picture of Clinton. 12:47 It makes sense because evidently, like a goldfish, Trump voters' memories don't go back more than seven seconds. 12:55 Not as sexy. 13:02 Not as sexy without the... 13:05 But most accurate of all, of all the ways to prognosticate about who will be president of the United States, is what's called the Halloween mask rule. 13:12 Do you guys know this one? 13:13 This one says that the sale of presidential candidates' Halloween masks has directly corresponded to the electoral outcome ever since Ronald Reagan's rubber likeness outsold Jimmy Carter's in 1980. 13:24 Well, guess what? 13:25 This year's Trump's mask outsold Clinton's. 13:28 And I believe Halloween masks can predict Trump's cabinet, too. 13:32 So get ready for Attorney General Guy from Scream. 13:35 I gotta say, I gotta say, Giuliani's looking good there. 13:43 You know. 13:44 He's happy. 13:45 That's the happiest. 13:47 That's the happiest I've ever seen him. 13:51 And, you know, I'm a man of some faith. 13:55 But when bad things happen like this, and this does feel bad, I gotta ask, how could God let this happen? 14:03 And I don't exactly... What happened, Stephen? 14:07 God God? 14:09 Yeah, that's my name. 14:10 Don't wear it out. 14:10 What are you guys talking about? 14:12 Well, God, we're trying to figure out what happened with the election last night. 14:17 Oh, yeah, the election. 14:18 You must be real excited about the first woman president. 14:21 You're welcome, America. 14:22 God, God, God, wait, what are you talking about? 14:25 Weren't you watching the election? 14:27 No, I was binge-watching Narcos on Netflix. 14:31 How much did Hillary win by? 14:34 Lord, I'm sorry, but Clinton lost. 14:37 What the hell? 14:39 That Scottish goat said she had it in the bag. 14:42 I know. 14:43 I know. 14:44 The fish was right. 14:45 All the pollsters were wrong. 14:47 Hold on. 14:48 Let me Google it. 14:49 It says here Hillary got more votes than Trump. 14:53 Yeah, well, that's the popular vote. 14:54 She lost the electoral college. 14:57 Oh, that again? 14:58 I'm omniscient, and even I don't know how the hell that works. 15:02 Nobody does, but anyway, Lord, Trump won. 15:05 Oh, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised white men came out on top again, considering how everyone assumes I look. 15:12 That's good. 15:12 That's a good point. 15:14 Yeah. 15:15 Look, Stephen, I feel terrible about this whole thing. 15:17 Let me make it up to you. 15:18 How about a new animal that's really cuddly and also tastes good, huh? 15:21 No, thanks. 15:22 That's very kind, but I think we're all good. 15:24 Now, can you just please, can you tell us what we should do? 15:28 Steven, if you're really unhappy, I could just hit the reset button on humanity, you know, maybe send a flood or plague a locust. 15:35 Oh, I've been working on a new one where your heads melt like that Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. 15:40 No, that's... 15:41 Thank you, no. 15:41 You just drip like a candle. 15:43 Stephen Colbert What? 15:43 God What? 15:43 You drip like a candle. 15:44 It's really cool. 15:46 Stephen Colbert Thank you. 15:46 You're very kind. 15:47 No, at this point, at this point, we just have to accept that you chose Donald Trump to be our president. 15:54 God Hey, don't pin this on me. 15:55 My wife will kill me. 15:58 Gone, everybody. 16:00 Gone. 16:01 Stephen Colbert Thanks, everybody. 16:10 We've got a great show for you tonight. 16:11 Don't go anywhere. 16:12 Miles Teller is here.