00:00 Donald Trump HEY, EVERYBODY. 00:04 Stephen Colbert SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE. 00:05 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:12 LET'S SEE. 00:13 LET'S SEE. 00:13 HOW WAS YOUR DAY? 00:16 WHAT'S IN THE NEWS? 00:17 WHAT'S GOING ON? 00:18 OH, EL CHAPO IS EL SCRUDO. 00:24 What else? 00:25 Oh, Amazon Dash has got these things. 00:28 Amazon's got these Dash buttons online, so it's easier to order. 00:32 That's a whole new world. 00:34 Yeah, yeah, like Alexa and all that. 00:36 Playoffs are this weekend, I guess. 00:40 Oh, oh, there's this one thing. 00:43 If you're waking up from a coma, 00:50 BAD TIMING, FIRST OF ALL. 00:52 DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN SWORN IN AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. 00:59 I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. 01:02 LISTEN, LISTEN, WE'RE JUST AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE, AND WE'VE BEEN AWAKE THIS WHOLE TIME. 01:08 OF COURSE, THIS IS TRUMP, OKAY? 01:10 EVEN THOUGH HE'S PRESIDENT, THE MAN LOVES TO TWEET. 01:13 AN INAGURATION DAY IS NO DIFFERENT. 01:15 HE TWEETED, WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN. 01:17 WE SHOULD MARCH ON WASHINGTON AND STOP THIS TRAVESTY. 01:20 OUR NATION IS TOTALLY DIVIDED. 01:22 WAIT, I'M SORRY. 01:24 I'M SORRY, THAT WAS FROM OBAMA'S 2012 ELECTION. 01:27 MY APOLOGIES. 01:29 HE FEELS PRETTY GOOD ABOUT THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON. 01:32 AT THE ACTUAL INAUGURAL, TRUMP MADE A BOLD ENTRANCE WITH A TIE THE LENGTH OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER. 01:43 THAT IS A LOT OF RED TIE. 01:47 That is, make America tie again, I think is the motto. 01:51 He looks like the underbelly of a rainbow trout. 01:54 But the thing is, this is what happens. 01:56 Whenever the president of the United States, whatever he wears at the inaugural, tends to set the fashion tone for men for the next four years. 02:03 JFK famously did not wear a hat, so men just stopped wearing hats in the 1960s. 02:09 So, in honor of our new president... 02:33 IT'S VERY HANDY. 02:36 IT'S VERY HANDY. 02:38 YOU CAN USE IT FOR ALL SORTS OF THINGS, LIKE YOU CAN USE IT TO HIDE AN ERECTION, FOR INSTANCE, WHICH I WILL NOT HAVE FOR FOUR YEARS NOW. 02:48 LET'S SEE. 02:49 LET'S SEE. 02:49 LET'S SEE. 02:50 OH, HILLARY CLINTON WAS THERE. 02:51 THAT WAS SO NICE OF HER TO ACTUALLY BE THERE. 02:55 DON'T YOU THINK? 02:56 THAT WAS REALLY BIG OF HER TO BE THERE. 02:58 IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN EASY TO LEAVE HER SQUIRREL FRIENDS BACK IN THE FOREST. 03:03 HERE SHE IS. 03:03 THIS IS HER MAKING SMALL TALK WITH PRESIDENT BUSH. 03:06 I ACTUALLY GOT MORE VOTES THAN HE DID. 03:10 YEAH, LIKE GORE. 03:12 NOW, IF, UH... 03:19 COLD BLOODED! 03:23 DID YOU GUYS WATCH IT THIS AFTERNOON? 03:27 IF IT SEEMED A LITTLE DARK IN THE CAPITOL, IT WAS EITHER BECAUSE IT WAS OVERCAST OR BECAUSE MICHELLE OBAMA WAS THROWING SO MUCH SHADE. 03:51 Still, she looked beautiful. 03:52 She looked fantastic. 03:53 That red dress was amazing. 03:55 Meanwhile, Melania looked stunning in her sky-blue Ralph Lauren head transportation device. 04:07 I'm so sorry the rest of her couldn't make it. 04:09 I was so sorry. 04:09 It was... 04:11 But, of course, the fashion star of the day was counselor to the president Kellyanne Conway. 04:17 And I would describe that look as nutcracker who came to life but only got halfway there. 04:23 Now... 04:32 IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, THIS IS TRUE, HER BUTTONS ARE ACTUALLY LITTLE ANGRY CAT HEADS. 04:39 VERY BOLD FOR HER TO WEAR PUSSIES THAT CLOSE TO THE NEW PRESIDENT. 04:53 THE PODIUM TODAY HELD FOUR OF OUR PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, AND IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE OUR NEXT FOUR PRESIDENTS ALL MARCHING IN TOGETHER. 05:02 NOW, RIGHT OFF THE TOP, THE REVEREND SAMUEL RODRIGUEZ GOT THINGS STARTED WITH A STIRRING INVOCATION. 05:10 GOD BLESSES THOSE WHO ARE HUMBLE, FOR THEY WILL INHERIT THE EARTH. 05:14 YES, THE HUMBLE INHERIT THE EARTH. 05:16 PEOPLE WHO BRAG A LOT GET THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 05:20 AND MY MAN, TIMOTHY CARDINAL DOLAN, OF COURSE, QUOTED SOLOMON. 05:25 Timothy Cardinal Dolan FROM YOUR GLORIOUS THRONE DISPATCH HER, THAT SHE MAY BE WITH US AND WORK WITH US, THAT WE MAY GRASP WHAT IS PLEASING TO YOU. 05:35 YES, THAT WE MAY GRASP WHAT IS PLEASING TO YOU. 05:39 Stephen Colbert I BELIEVE THAT IS THE SAME PRAYER TRUMP SAID TO BILLY BUSH ON THAT BUS. 05:45 LET US GRASP. 05:47 WHAT IS PLEASING. 05:54 THERE WERE SOME REALLY NICE MOMENTS TODAY. 05:57 AFTER MIKE PENCE WAS SWORN IN, WE WERE TREATED TO A BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL BY THE L.L. 06:03 BEAN CATALOGUE. 06:11 THEN THAT YOU REALLY CAN'T BUTTON YOUR COAT IF YOUR TIES THIS LONG. 06:15 IT LOOKS LIKE HALF OF IT'S TRYING TO ESCAPE OUT A BACK DOOR. 06:19 THEN... CAN YOU TELL I'M TRYING TO DELAY THIS PART OF THE MONOLOGUE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE? 06:28 THEN CAME THE BIG MOMENT, DONALD TRUMP TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE WITH HIS HAND ON LINCOLN'S BIBLE, AND I HAVE BEEN ASSURED THAT IT WAS CONSENSUAL. 06:39 SO THAT'S IT. 06:41 Donald Trump is president. 06:43 He knows the launch codes. 06:44 And he hasn't tweeted them yet, so, so far, so good. 06:48 Then, of course, gotta stay hopeful. 06:51 Gotta little things, little victories. 06:53 Then it was time for the speech. 06:55 Okay, there were some nice things about it. 06:56 It was short. 06:58 And it opened on a gracious note. 07:00 People of the world, thank you. 07:03 And the world said, hey, man, do not pin this on us. 07:07 We didn't vote. 07:09 We did not. 07:11 Nothing to do with it. 07:14 We're clean. 07:15 We're clean. 07:17 Trump had a message about the gridlock of Washington. 07:20 Donald Trump That is the past, and now we are looking only to the future. 07:27 Stephen Colbert So don't ask about my tax returns ever again, okay? 07:31 Future. 07:36 THEN, LIKE LINCOLN HUFFING PAINT THINNER, THIS STIRRING ORATOR INVOKED AN INSPIRING PICTURE OF THE COUNTRY HE NOW LEADS. 07:48 Donald Trump America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. 07:54 Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities. 07:59 Rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape are young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge. 08:11 Stephen Colbert THAT IS REALLY... AND THE CRIME. 08:14 Donald Trump AND THE GANGS. 08:15 AND THE DRUGS. 08:17 OKAY. 08:17 OKAY. 08:18 ARE YOU DONE? 08:18 Stephen Colbert BECAUSE I THINK THAT THE ONE THING... AMERICAN CARNAGE. 08:25 WE GET IT. 08:27 WE GET IT. 08:27 THE COUNTRY IS A TURD STORM. 08:30 YOU SAID ALL OF THAT DURING THE CAMPAIGN. 08:32 YOU CAN STOP NOW. 08:33 HE KNOWS HE WON, RIGHT? 08:35 PUTIN MUST HAVE TOLD HIM. 08:39 Donald Trump JUST GIVE IT UP. 08:47 Stephen Colbert THE INAGURATION, OF COURSE, ALSO INCLUDED THE TIME-HONORED TRADITION OF TALKING ABOUT HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SUCKS WHILE OBAMA AND BIDEN HAD TO SIT THERE AS HELPLESS AS A DAMP RUSSIAN MATTRESS. 08:59 I MEAN, THEY... 09:06 Timothy Cardinal Dolan HE'S GONNA PUT IT OUT THERE, Y'ALL. 09:12 Stephen Colbert I'LL TELL YOU, I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR JOE BIDEN. 09:15 HE GOT SO UPSET HE TURNED INTO A JEFF DUNHAM PUPPET. 09:25 TRUMP THEN DEDICATED HIS ADMINISTRATION TO HIS BIGGEST SUPPORTERS. 09:29 Donald Trump THE FORGOTTEN MEN AND WOMEN OF OUR COUNTRY WILL BE FORGOTTEN NO LONGER. 09:34 Stephen Colbert YES, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WILL NEVER FORGET GREAT AMERICANS LIKE BUDDY HERE AND CHIEF AND BIG GUY AND MY AFRICAN AMERICAN OVER THERE. 09:45 I'LL NEVER... YOU'RE ALWAYS... THEN THE 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAMMERED HOME ONE OF HIS BIGGEST CAMPAIGN PROMISES. 09:55 Donald Trump WE WILL GET OUR PEOPLE OFF OF WELFARE AND BACK TO WORK, REBUILDING OUR COUNTRY WITH AMERICAN HANDS AND AMERICAN LABOR. 10:05 Stephen Colbert YES, HE IS CLEARLY ALREADY GETTING AMERICANS BACK TO WORK BECAUSE HERE'S THE MALL WHEN OBAMA WAS INAGURATED IN 2009, AND HERE IT IS FOR TRUMP TODAY. 10:14 I MEAN... ALL I CAN THINK HERE... 10:29 ALL I CAN FIGURE IS THAT NOBODY CAN GET THE DAY OFF. 10:34 THEY'RE ALL WORKING. 10:36 EITHER THAT'S A LOT OF EMPTY SPACE, OR THAT CROWD IS EVEN WHITER THAN I THOUGHT. 10:43 I MEAN, THERE WERE BIG, EMPTY SPACES IN THE CROWD, OR AS TRUMP CALLED THEM, THE MOST LEAST PEOPLE EVER. 10:54 THE GREATEST, MOST FANTASTIC LACK OF ATTENDANCE IN AMERICAN HISTORY. 10:59 You're not going to believe how many people didn't show up. 11:05 Trump pledged to repair the country's infrastructure. 11:08 Donald Trump We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation. 11:19 Stephen Colbert Yes, roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways. 11:23 So many ways to flee the country. 11:28 But... 11:35 But after spending the bulk of his inaugural address talking about what a dumpster fire America is and blaming everyone on the stage, Trump called for unity. 11:47 Donald Trump When America is united, America is totally unstoppable. 11:53 Stephen Colbert Okay, so right now, totally stoppable. 11:57 And after the speech, Reverend Franklin Graham delivered the benediction. 12:03 Franklin Graham And the Bible reign, 12:05 is a sign of God's blessing. 12:09 And it started to rain, Mr. President, when you came to the platform. 12:13 Stephen Colbert Yeah, I've read the Bible. 12:15 Blessing's not exactly how Noah took it. 12:29 So, yes. 12:29 I'm gonna bless you. 12:31 AND THE LORD SAID, YOU BETTER BUILD A BOARD, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BLESS THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE. 12:39 SO HERE WE ARE. 12:40 IT'S REALLY HAPPENING. 12:43 DONALD TRUMP IS OFFICIALLY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH MEANS THERE ARE NOW ALL SORTS OF NEW SENTENCES YOU CAN ACTUALLY SAY AND MEAN. 12:52 LIKE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS IN HOME ALONE 2. 12:58 I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D BE SAYING THAT ON THE FIRST DAY OF PRESIDENT PESCHY'S ADMINISTRATION. 13:02 THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS MET WITH DOZENS OF WORLD LEADERS AND ALSO THE GRIMMEST. 13:10 AND I SURE MISS GEORGE W. BUSH. 13:20 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 13:21 JIM JAFFEEN IS HERE. 13:22 STICK AROUND.