00:01 Stephen Colbert WHAT'S UP? 00:04 WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 00:06 I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:08 LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT. 00:10 I WANT TO GET THESE JOKES OUT BEFORE TRUMP FIRES ME. 00:14 THE BIG STORY IS THAT AT 8 O'CLOCK TONIGHT, 00:19 DONALD TRUMP ANNOUNCED HIS PICK FOR THE SUPREME COURT LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. 00:24 I WILL NEVER FORGET WHERE I WAS WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS, SITTING IN AN EDIT ROOM INSERTING THIS CLIP INTO THE MONOLOGUE BECAUSE WE TAPED THE SHOW AT 530. 00:32 ARE YOU READY? 00:36 TRUMP'S SCOTUS NOMINEE IS FEDERAL JUDGE NEIL GORSUCH. 00:44 YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM YET. 00:48 DON'T BOO YET. 00:49 LET ME SAY IT AND THEN BOO." 00:53 NO SURPRISE HE CHOSE HIM. 00:55 HE IS A STRICT CONSTITUTIONAL ORIGINALIST. 00:58 THAT MEANS HE RULES ONLY AS THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED. 01:02 IN CASES LIKE MARBARY VERSUS ELECTRICITY IS THE DEVIL'S MAGIC AND THE PEOPLE VERSUS SLAVERY IS COOL, RIGHT? 01:09 NOW, WE'RE JUST TEN DAYS IN AND IT FEELS LIKE IT'S TOTAL CHAOS AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 01:15 THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HONEYMOON. 01:17 HOW COULD TRUMP BLOW THE HONEYMOON? 01:19 Soundbite HE'S HAD THREE OF THEM. 01:22 Stephen Colbert HE'S BEEN TRAINING. 01:27 THIS IS WHAT HE'S BEEN TRAINING FOR, SIR. 01:28 NOW, I DON'T KNOW. 01:29 HERE'S THE THING. 01:30 THERE WAS CHAOS DURING THE CAMPAIGN, TOO. 01:32 REMEMBER? 01:32 YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW. 01:33 YOU DON'T KNOW IF IT'S REAL CHAOS OR PLANNED CHAOS. 01:36 IT'S SOME SORT OF, LIKE, SOME CUNNING, YOU KNOW? 01:38 DOES DONALD TRUMP NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING? 01:41 OR DOES HE NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING LIKE A FOX? 01:48 NOW, WE WILL EXPLORE THAT QUESTION TONIGHT IN MY NEW SEGMENT, WHAT'S HAPPENING? 01:59 WELL, WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IS THAT LAST NIGHT, TRUMP FIRED ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL SALLY YATES, SEEN HERE LOOKING LIKE THE ACTRESS WHO WILL EVENTUALLY PLAY HER IN THE TV MOVIE. 02:15 HE FIRED HER BECAUSE SHE INSTRUCTED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT NOT TO DEFEND HIS REFUGEE BAN. 02:21 AND THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED A STATEMENT ABOUT IT. 02:22 WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHO WROTE THE STATEMENT, BUT LET ME READ IT TO YOU. 02:27 THE ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL, SALLY YATES, HAS BETRAYED THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE. 02:32 MS. YATES IS AN OBAMA ADMINISTRATION APPOINTEE WHO IS WEAK ON BORDERS AND VERY WEAK ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION. 02:40 NOW, PEOPLE HAVE STARTED CALLING TRUMP'S FIRING OF YATES THE MONDAY NIGHT MASSACRE, WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO WHAT THEY CALL MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL WHEN THE BROWNS ARE PLAYING. 02:51 SO, RIGHT OR WRONG, TRUMP'S IMMIGRATION BAN HAS BEEN A PR DISASTER WITH HEARTBREAKING STORIES LIKE THE FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO WAS DETAINED FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS AND REPORTEDLY HANDCUFFED, AND HE'S A U.S. CITIZEN. 03:08 Now, this sounds bad, but yesterday, White House Press Secretary and angry neck with ears Sean Spicer defended the detainment. 03:19 Soundbite The point is that you can go through a nitpick and say, okay, well, this individual is, but that's why we slow it down a little and to make sure that if they are a five-year-old, that maybe they're with their parents and they don't pose a threat. 03:30 But to assume that just because of someone's age or gender or whatever, that they don't pose a threat would be misguided and wrong. 03:35 Stephen Colbert Yeah, I mean, not handcuffing a child is a security risk. 03:40 I mean, we all know kids go through stages. 03:42 You got the terrible twos. 03:44 You got the fatwa fives. 03:46 It's absolutely terrifying. 03:49 And the boy fit the profile. 03:51 He was young, unmarried male, arriving from Iran. 03:56 He could have been radicalized, or if he missed his nap, very cranky. 04:01 BOTTOM LINE, WHAT HE'S SAYING IS SPICER WANTS YOU TO REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN NEVER BE SAFE FROM ANYONE, ANYWHERE, REGARDLESS OF RACE, GENDER, OR AGE. 04:11 IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, IF YOU SEE SOMEONE, SAY SOMETHING. 04:16 FORTUNATELY, FOLKS, THERE IS A BAND OF HEROIC GO-GETTERS WHO CAN LEAD US OUT OF THIS DARK TIME, CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS. 04:28 Last night, they held a rally on the steps of the Supreme Court, presumably to kiss it goodbye. 04:34 And in this hour of crisis, Nancy Pelosi rallied a troubled nation with these immortal words. 04:41 Nancy Pelosi Good evening, everyone. 04:43 Thank you very much for coming out. 04:46 Is the sound working? 04:48 The sound working? 04:56 I can hear you. 04:58 Can you hear us? 05:02 Stephen Colbert We're doomed. 05:11 It's like the battle cry in Braveheart. 05:13 They may take away our lives, but they'll never take away our hello. 05:18 Is this thing on? 05:20 Can you guys hear me in the back there? 05:22 Oh, they're tearing me guts out. 05:25 Oh, they're hello. 05:26 Hello. 05:29 Hello, Cleveland. 05:33 Don't know why Braveheart was Cleveland there at the end. 05:36 DON'T WORRY, THOUGH. 05:37 EVEN WITHOUT A WORKING MIC, NANCY PELOSI BROUGHT OUT THE BIG GUNS IN THE FIGHT AGAINST TRUMP. 05:43 Nancy Pelosi OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. 05:49 Stephen Colbert SINGING ALWAYS WORKS, JUST LIKE PATTON DEFEATED HITLER WITH JAZZ HANDS. 05:55 OKAY. 06:01 I'LL STAY CHEERFUL HERE. 06:02 OKAY. 06:04 SO MAYBE THE DEMS SCREWED THE POOCH ON THIS ONE, BUT I HAPPEN TO KNOW THEY HAVE A PLAN FOR DEALING WITH TRUMP'S SUPREME COURT PICK, AND IT'S TO LET REPUBLICANS CONFIRM TRUMP'S PICK. 06:15 GENIUS! 06:18 OH, HE'LL NEVER SEE NOTHING COMING. 06:21 IT'S LIKE THE STRATEGY SUN TSU SO CUMMINGLY DESCRIBES IN THE ART OF WAR, USE YOUR UNDERWEAR AS A WHITE FLAG IF YOU HAVEN'T CRAPPED IT YET. 06:30 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 06:34 over Trump's executive orders for the special friends. 06:38 Nancy Pelosi So stick around.