00:01 Stephen Colbert WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 00:02 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:04 THANK YOU ALL. 00:08 THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT. 00:11 I ASSUME MOST OF YOU HAD RESERVATIONS TO GO TO CPAC. 00:15 FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, CPAC IS THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE OF CONSERVATIVES, ALSO THE NAME OF TUPAC'S REPUBLICAN COUSIN. 00:26 THIS IS THE FIRST CPAC SINCE THE FRACTIOUS ELECTION, AND RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THE MODERATOR TRIED TO BRING EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM TOGETHER. 00:36 WE DECIDED TO SAY THAT EVERYBODY IS A PART OF OUR CONSERVATIVE FAMILY. 00:40 YES, WE'RE SAYING EVERYONE'S PART OF THE FAMILY, BUT PLEASE PRETEND BRIAN IS JUST YOUR ROOMMATE FOR GRANDMA. 00:49 JUST, IT'S NOT WORTH EXPLAINING. 00:53 CHIEF STRATEGIST, IS THAT HIS NAME? 00:56 CHIEF STRATEGIST STEVE BANNON WAS THERE, ALONG WITH WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND MOUSE THAT JUST LANDED IN THE CAGE OF YOUR PET SNAKE. 01:08 Reince Priebus, he was there, and contrary to what we know to be true, Priebus and Bannon get along just fine. 01:17 Reince Priebus We share an office suite together. 01:20 We're basically together from 6.30 in the morning until about 11 o'clock at night. 01:25 Stephen Colbert At which point Steve has instructed me to lock his door and not let him out, no matter what he screams or how desperately he house. 01:33 Okay? 01:34 AND BANNON REALLY SEEMED TO GENUINELY TO PRETEND TO LIKE PRIEBUS. 01:41 Steve Bannon HIS JOB IS BY FAR ONE OF THE TOUGHEST JOBS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, TO MAKE IT RUN EVERY DAY, TO MAKE THE TRAINS, AND YOU ONLY SEE THE SURFACE. 01:49 Stephen Colbert OH, SO CLOSE TO SAYING MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME. 01:54 YOU SEE THAT? 01:55 THAT WAS SMOOTH. 01:56 HE PULLED OUT OF THAT. 01:57 HE CAUGHT HIMSELF BEFORE HE WENT FULL MUSOLINI THERE. 02:02 NOW, BANNON JUST HAS TO RESIST TALKING ABOUT HIS COMF. 02:07 AND BANNON MADE A PREDICTION FOR TRUMP'S ONGOING WAR WITH THE MEDIA. 02:13 Steve Bannon IT'S NOT ONLY NOT GOING TO GET BETTER, IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE EVERY DAY. 02:16 EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY IT IS GOING TO BE A FIGHT. 02:20 Stephen Colbert FUN FACT, THOSE WERE ALSO STEVE BANNON'S WEDDING VOWS. 02:26 ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE. 02:27 SPEAKING, I THINK, I DON'T KNOW, IS THAT TRUE? 02:34 IS IT TRUE? 02:35 I'VE BEEN TOLD. 02:36 SPEAKING OF THINGS GETTING WORSE, 02:41 LAST NIGHT SAID TRANSGENDER STUDENTS CAN'T USE THE BATHROOMS THEY WANT TO USE. 02:47 NOW, HE'S GOING TO CHECK WHAT THEY GOT DOWN THERE OR SOMETHING, I'M NOT SURE. 02:51 BUT WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING TRUMP IS FAMOUS FOR, IT'S TELLING PEOPLE WHERE TO PEE. 03:06 THE WEIRD THING, THE THING THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THAT ONE OF THE SAVING GRACES OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN, THE THING THAT PEOPLE WOULD KEEP ON POINTING OUT WHEN HE WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, IS THAT WHEN IT CAME TO STUFF LIKE THIS, TRUMP SEEMED TO BE COOL WITH WHATEVER. 03:20 Soundbite SO IF KAITLIN JENNER WERE TO WALK INTO TRUMP TOWER AND WANT TO USE THE BATHROOM, YOU WOULD BE FINE WITH HER USING ANY BATHROOM SHE CHOOSES. 03:28 THAT IS CORRECT. 03:29 Stephen Colbert WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE I'M GUESSING RIGHT NOW A LOT OF TRANS PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO TAKE A DUMP IN TRUMP'S LOBBY. 03:37 HE'S FINE. 03:45 CORRECT. 03:46 NOPE. 03:46 THE BEST. 03:47 ONLY THE BEST. 03:50 THIS ISN'T THE ONLY OBAMA ACTION THAT TRUMP IS ROLLING BACK. 03:53 HE'S GOING TO REPEAL THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT. 03:55 HE'S GOING TO RESCIND ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS. 03:57 HE'S ALREADY REPLACED MICHELLE'S VEGETABLE GARDEN WITH A SANDBOX FULL OF ONION RINGS. 04:03 NOW, OH, OH MY GOD. 04:05 I WOULD LOVE, WOULDN'T YOU LOVE? 04:08 JUST DO A BACKSTROKE IN THERE. 04:09 NOW, ACCORDING TO THE ADMINISTRATION, THIS WASN'T ABOUT PERSECUTING ANY GROUP. 04:15 IT WAS STRICTLY A LEGAL CONCERN. 04:18 Soundbite THE PRESIDENT HAS MAINTAINED FOR A LONG TIME THAT THIS IS A STATES RIGHTS ISSUE. 04:23 Stephen Colbert OH, GROW A PAIR. 04:25 IS THERE A MORE COWARDLY PHRASE THAN, THIS IS A STATES RIGHTS ISSUE? 04:30 HONEY, DO YOU LIKE MY NEW HAIRCUT? 04:33 UH, I'M GOING TO LEAVE THAT DECISION UP TO THE STATES. 04:38 THIS WAS CONTROVERSIAL EVEN WITHIN THE ADMINISTRATION. 04:40 EDUCATION SECRETARY AND CHUNKY NECKLACE VICTIM, BETSY DEVOS, 04:48 INITIALLY RESISTED SIGNING OFF ON IT BECAUSE OF THE POTENTIAL HARM THAT RESCINDING THE PROTECTIONS COULD CAUSE TRANSGENDER STUDENTS. 04:56 BUT ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS, WHO HAS OPPOSED EXPANDING TRANSGENDER RIGHTS, PUSHED DEVOS TO RELENT. 05:03 OH, COME ON, BETSY, THEY WON'T LET ME DISCRIMINATE AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE. 05:06 JUST GIVE ME THIS ONE. 05:07 I NEED SOME, THEN. 05:11 ULTIMATELY, ULTIMATELY, JEFF SESSIONS FANS. 05:17 JEFF SESSIONS FANS. 05:21 HUGE JEFF SESSIONS FANS HERE TONIGHT. 05:22 ULTIMATELY, DONALD TRUMP SIDED WITH SESSIONS, AND WHEN DEVOS WAS FACED WITH THE ALTERNATIVE OF RESIGNING OR DEFYING THE PRESIDENT, SHE AGREED TO GO ALONG. 05:34 SO BETSY DEVOS KNEW IT WOULD HARM CHILDREN AND DID IT ANYWAY TO SAVE HER JOB. 05:43 HOW DOES SHE SLEEP AT NIGHT? 05:45 I'LL LET THE STATES DECIDE.