00:00 Stephen Colbert WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 00:01 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:02 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING HERE. 00:05 LET ME ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION. 00:06 EVERYBODY FEELING GOOD? 00:10 WELL, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, YOU DO NOT WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE IT'S WEDNESDAY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THAT AT THE WHITE HOUSE? 00:20 WE ARE SO HUMPED TODAY. 00:23 LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY. 00:25 LET ME REMIND YOU, RECAP THE LAST COUPLE DAYS. 00:28 YOU KNOW THE WHOLE TRUMP CAMPAIGN COLLUDED WITH RUSSIA TO INFLUENCE OUR ELECTION AND THE DIDN'T HAPPEN, DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT? 00:36 WELL, TURNS OUT, IT DID, AND THEY DO, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP JR. 00:43 RELEASED EMAILS EXPLICITLY DETAILING AN INVITATION BY THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT TO COLLUDE AND HIS ENTHUSIASTIC ACCEPTANCE, QUOTE, I LOVE IT. 00:56 OH, OH, DON, NOT AS MUCH AS I DO. 01:09 THAT WAS YESTERDAY. 01:15 WE'VE HAD A FULL NEWS CYCLE. 01:16 TO GIVE YOU A SENSE OF THE FALLOUT, LET ME PRESENT YOU WITH A BOUQUET OF EARLY BLOOMING HEADLINES. 01:23 THE WHITE HOUSE IS PARALYZED. 01:26 AND I'M PRETTY SURE TRUMP CARE DOES NOT COVER THAT. 01:31 LET'S SEE ANOTHER ONE. 01:33 READY? 01:34 HERE'S ANOTHER HEADLINE. 01:36 THE WHITE HOUSE IS FACING A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE. 01:40 AND REMEMBER, REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS HAVE A SPOTTY TRACK RECORD WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH HURRICANES. 01:47 BUT OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT FAIR. 01:50 THOSE WERE THE WASHINGTON POST AND CNN. 01:52 HOW ABOUT HEARING FROM SOMEONE ON THEIR SIDE? 01:54 TRY THE NEW YORK POST. 01:56 DONALD TRUMP JR. IS AN IDIOT. 02:02 KEEP IN MIND, KEEP THIS IN MIND, AND I MEAN THIS, THEY'RE DEFENDING HIM. 02:10 BECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE TO IDIOT IS INMATE. 02:13 AND IT'S HARD TO ARGUE THAT POINT. 02:16 DONALD TRUMP JR. IS QUICKLY RISING THROUGH THE RANKS OF AMERICA'S MOST EMBARRASSING DONALD TRUMP'S. 02:23 THINGS ARE SO BAD. 02:25 THINGS ARE SO BAD. 02:27 CHECK OUT THIS TWEET OF STAFFERS AND WHITE HOUSE VISITORS PLACING THEIR HANDS ON PRESIDENT TRUMP AND PRAYING FOR HIM TODAY. 02:36 OKAY? 02:36 EITHER THAT, EITHER THAT, OR THEY'RE PLAYING HANDS ON A SOFT BODY. 02:42 WHOEVER KEEPS THEIR HAND THE LONGEST GETS TO FIRE ROBERT MUELLER. 02:48 SO, WITH HIS AGENDA IN TATTERS, WITH HIS WHITE HOUSE PARALYZED, IN TURMOIL, WITH HIS FAMILY IN DISGRACE, THE PRESIDENT DID THE RIGHT THING AND HEADED TO FRANCE TONIGHT. 02:59 FRANCE, IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, THAT'S HIS SAFE SPACE. 03:03 TRUMP'S LIKE JERRY LEWIS OVER THERE. 03:05 IN THAT, HE SEEMS LIKE AN IDIOT. 03:09 BECAUSE THIS PROOF OF THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S COLLUSION MAY HAVE COST THE PRESIDENT SOMETHING HE LOVES EVEN MORE THAN HIS SON. 03:18 IT'S GOING TO COST HIM HIS FAVORITE CATCH PHRASE. 03:20 BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, ONE WHITE HOUSE ADVISER ADMITTED, THE RUSSIA STORY WILL GET WORSE AND WORSE AND YOU CAN'T JUST REALLY SAY ANYMORE FAKE NEWS. 03:38 YOU JUST CAN'T SAY IT ANYMORE. 03:41 CAN'T SAY IT. 03:42 I KNOW HOW DONALD TRUMP'S GOING TO FEEL ABOUT THAT. 03:47 So tonight, we bid a fond farewell. 03:55 Donald Trump We are fighting the fake news. 03:57 It's fake, phony, fake. 03:59 You notice now they're using, everybody's using the word fake news. 04:03 Where did you hear it first, folks? 04:05 It's all fake news. 04:06 It's phony stuff. 04:08 It didn't happen. 04:09 Fake news. 04:12 CNN, fake. 04:17 WHOOPS, THE CAMERA JUST WENT OFF. 04:23 Stephen Colbert SO... 04:35 I'M CRYING FAKE TEARS. 04:39 SO PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY AGREES TRUMP JR. WAS DUMB TO TWEET THIS STUFF. 04:45 AND THE SMART THING TO DO WOULD BE JUST TO SHUT UP. 04:49 SO LAST NIGHT HE WENT ON FOX NEWS AND EXPLAINED WHY HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THIS. 04:56 Donald Trump Jr. SOMEONE SENT ME AN EMAIL. 04:58 I CAN'T HELP WHAT SOMEONE SENS ME. 04:59 Stephen Colbert YES, HE CAN'T HELP. 05:02 HE HAS TO DO WHATEVER IT SAYS IN AN EMAIL. 05:04 THAT'S WHY HIS APARTMENT IS FULL OF NIGERIAN PRINCES AND BONER PILLS. 05:09 You're going to want to keep them apart. 05:12 YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO KEEP THOSE TWO, KEEP THOSE TWO APART. 05:15 HEY, HEY. 05:16 PLUS, THIS WAS WAY LAST SUMMER. 05:18 IT WAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TIME. 05:20 Donald Trump Jr. THIS IS PRE-RUSSIA FEVER. 05:23 THIS IS PRE-RUSSIA MANIA. 05:24 THIS WAS 13 MONTHS AGO, BEFORE I THINK THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS TALKING ABOUT THAT. 05:28 Stephen Colbert YEAH, HE COLLUDED WITH THE RUSSIANS BEFORE PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT RUSSIAN COLLUSION. 05:34 OKAY? 05:35 THAT'S LIKE SAYING, YEAH, I FIRED A GUN AT THAT GUY, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE MURDER TRIAL. 05:42 All right? 05:43 How did I know? 05:47 What am I supposed to... 05:53 Besides, I mean, the meeting was a dud. 05:56 Donald Trump Jr. It was literally just a wasted 20 minutes, which was a shame. 05:59 Stephen Colbert Yeah, it was all in his Yelp review. 06:00 One star, did not deliver treason to table, would not pollute again. 06:06 AND THAT'S GOING TO BE HARSH. 06:08 THAT'S GOING TO BE HARSH FOR HER BUSINESS. 06:10 SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE SHAKING THAT ONE OFF. 06:12 I GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU, DON. 06:15 JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR SECRET RUSSIAN INTEL DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE THE GOOD GUY HERE. 06:19 YOU NEVER HEARD THE PERVS ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR SAY, WAIT, WHAT'S WITH THE COPS? 06:23 I BROUGHT WINE COOLERS. 06:24 WHAT A WASTE OF 20 MINUTES. 06:29 WHAT, WHY, WAIT, WHAT, WHY, WHERE AM I GOING? 06:31 WHAT'S HAPPENING? 06:36 BUT DON JR. DID LEARN AN IMPORTANT LESSON FROM ALL OF THIS. 06:41 Donald Trump Jr. IN RETROSPECT, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY. 06:44 I KNOW MORE NOW, BUT HINDSIGHT IS ALWAYS 2020. 06:46 Stephen Colbert HE'S RIGHT. 06:47 HINDSIGHT IS 2020. 06:48 AND I THINK A LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE USING HINDSIGHT IN 2020. 07:07 MEANWHILE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, THE WHITE HOUSE IS DEFENDING DON JR. ONE OFFICIAL SAID HE JUST WANTS TO HUNT, FISH, AND RUN HIS FAMILY'S REAL ESTATE BUSINESS. 07:17 YES, WHY DID WE FORCE HIM TO GET INTO POLITICS? 07:21 YOU KNOW HE'D RATHER BE IN THE FOREST PURSUING HIS FIRST LOVE, BRAWNY MAN COSPLAY. 07:37 ANOTHER ANONYMOUS SOURCE SAID, THE KID IS AN HONEST KID. 07:43 OKAY, PUMP THE BREAKS A LITTLE BIT HERE. 07:46 THIS KID IS A 39-YEAR-OLD MAN. 07:50 AND I GOT TO SAY, IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE PERSON STICKING UP FOR YOU WANTS TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. 07:56 DON JR. IS A GOOD PERSON. 07:58 WAIT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE MY NAME, RIGHT? 08:01 EVEN BILL O'REILLY ROSE FROM THE NON-SPIN CRYPT. 08:07 TWEETING, IT WAS SMART TO RELEASE THE EMAILS. 08:09 TABLOID GUY SET HIM UP WITH A RUSSIAN LAWYER WHO PROMISED HILLARY DIRT. 08:12 SHE DIDN'T DELIVER. 08:14 LEAVE IT TO BILL O'REILLY TO FIND A WAY TO BLAME THE ONLY WOMAN IN THIS STORY. 08:19 THE PRESIDENT, YEAH, YEAH, SHE'S A KALUDE. 08:28 CLEARLY, SHE'S A KALUDE TEASE. 08:31 THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN NOTICEABLY QUIET THROUGH ALL OF THIS, IN PART BECAUSE HIS SCHEDULE IS UNUSUALLY LIGHT, AND HE'S BEEN WATCHING TV AND VENTING ABOUT THE INVESTIGATION. 08:41 LIGHT? 08:44 TRUMP HAS SPENT HALF HIS PRESIDENCY GOLFING. 08:46 HOW MUCH LIGHTER CAN HIS SCHEDULE GET? 08:49 SIR, YOU HAVE TO GET UP. 08:50 IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED. 08:52 BUT... 08:54 BUT... 08:56 THE PRESIDENT DENIES THERE'S ANY TROUBLE, TWEETING THIS MORNING, THE WHITE HOUSE IS FUNCTIONING PERFECTLY, FOCUSED ON HEALTH CARE, TAX CUTS SLASH REFORM, AND MANY OTHER THINGS. 09:07 I HAVE VERY LITTLE TIME FOR WATCHING TV. 09:11 I GOT TO SAY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY COMFORTING WHEN THE PERSON IN CHARGE STARTS RANDOMLY ASSURING YOU THAT EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE. 09:19 THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. 09:20 THE PLANE IS FUNCTIONING PERFECTLY. 09:22 WE ARE FOCUSED ON FLYING, LANDING, AND MANY OTHER THINGS. 09:25 I HAVE VERY LITTLE TIME FOR WATCHING TV.