00:00 Stephen Colbert WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 00:03 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:05 HAPPY PEOPLE, HAPPY PEOPLE. 00:10 OF COURSE, HAPPY TAX DAY, EVERYBODY. 00:12 THIS IS THE DAY WHEN WE ALL RELEASE OUR TAX RETURNS TO THE MAN WHO WON'T RELEASE HIS. 00:19 TAX DAY IS TRADITIONALLY ON THE 15TH OF APRIL, BUT SINCE THAT WAS ON A SATURDAY THIS YEAR, THEY GAVE EVERYONE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEIR BATHROOM IS A HOME OFFICE. 00:32 I DO A LOT OF READING IN THERE. 00:34 I DO A LOT OF READING IN THERE. 00:36 Crosstalk A LOT OF TWEETING, YOU KNOW. 00:38 Stephen Colbert BUT ON THE 15TH, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY MARCHED TO GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES. 00:47 BEAUTIFUL IDEA. 00:48 BUT THE TAX MARCH DID NOT GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES, MUCH LIKE THE WOMEN'S MARCH DID NOT GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS WOMEN. 00:59 BUT NICE TRY. 01:00 NICE TRY. 01:02 BUT HE DID RELEASE SOME TWEETS. 01:05 I DID WHAT WAS AN ALMOST AN IMPOSSIBLE THING TO DO FOR A REPUBLICAN EASILY WON THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. 01:13 NOW TAX RETURNS ARE BROUGHT UP AGAIN. 01:17 Okay, I know you want, but you know those things aren't related, right? 01:22 Hey, I just want a spelling bee. 01:23 Why are you looking in my crawlspace? 01:27 And... 01:29 AND TRUMP DEMANDED TO KNOW WHO WAS REALLY BEHIND THE TAX MARCHES. 01:37 SOMEONE SHOULD LOOK INTO WHO PAID FOR THE SMALL ORGANIZED RALLIES YESTERDAY. 01:41 THE ELECTION IS OVER. 01:45 YES, WHO PAID FOR THE RALLIES? 01:46 I MEAN, THEY WERE AUTHENTIC AND DREW PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, SO WE KNOW IT WASN'T PEPSI. 01:53 DELICIOUS. 01:55 I COULD GO. 01:55 DELICIOUS PRODUCT. 01:57 PLEASE BUY IT. 01:58 ARE THEY A SPONSOR? 02:00 ARE THEY A SPONSOR? 02:01 SURE, WHY NOT. 02:05 YESTERDAY, DURING SEAN SPICER'S DAILY SPICING, THE QUESTION OF TRUMP'S TAXES CAME UP AGAIN. 02:13 Soundbite IS IT TIME TO SAY ONCE AND FOR ALL THE PRESIDENT IS NEVER GOING TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS? 02:19 WE'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT. 02:21 If you want, I mean, you see, I mean, really. 02:24 Really. 02:25 So he may. 02:26 No, I said I'd have to get back to you on that. 02:28 Stephen Colbert So you can't even say if he'll ever release his taxes no matter what happens? 02:35 How about this scenario? 02:36 Aliens take over the Earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness, the one way to destroy them and free humanity is that they are easily susceptible to 2000 to 2007 itemized tax returns from Donald J. Trump. 02:51 Would he release his tax returns then? 02:53 Soundbite I said I'd have to get back to you on that. 02:56 Stephen Colbert OF COURSE, WHO HAS TIME TO WORRY ABOUT TAXES WHEN WE'RE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR WITH NORTH KOREA? 03:04 BUT NEVER FEAR, THE WHITE HOUSE SENT MIKE PENCE TO THE DMZ. 03:09 BECAUSE THE SITUATION IS SO SERIOUS, HE WORE HIS TOP GUN HALLOWEEN COSTUME. 03:15 I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MIKE PENCE PLAY SHIRTLESS VOLLEYBALL ON BLUE JEANS. 03:28 OBVIOUSLY, IF HIS WIFE WAS THERE. 03:30 AND PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM BECAUSE YESTERDAY, A NORTH KOREAN U.N. REPRESENTATIVE WARNED, THERMONUCLEAR WAR MAY BREAK OUT AT ANY MOMENT. 03:41 NOW, THIS SHOW PRE-TAPES. 03:45 SO IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME RIGHT NOW, WE MADE IT. 03:55 I'M GOING TO CALL 1141. 04:00 AND THIS TIME, IT ISN'T NORTH KOREA WITH AN ERRATIC, TRIGGER-HAPPY LEADER. 04:04 ACCORDING TO ONE RUSSIAN OFFICIAL, TRUMP IS MORE IMPULSIVE AND UNPREDICTABLE THAN KIM JONG UN. 04:11 WELL THEN, RUSSIA, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU ELECTED HIM. 04:26 WHAT? 04:38 I FORGOT TO PUT THE... 04:39 I'M SURE CBS WON'T MIND. 04:40 NOW, LUCKILY, OUR PRESIDENT HAD SOME REASSURING WORDS THIS MORNING ON THE FOX AND THE FRIENDS. 04:48 Ainsley THE VICE PRESIDENT IS IN ASIA DOING THE FOUR STOP TOUR AND HE SAID BASICALLY THE U.S. IS RUNNING OUT OF PATIENTS. 04:53 CLEARLY A MESSAGE TO NORTH KOREA. 04:55 YOU HAVE A NAVY FLEET THAT IS SENT INTO THE SEA OF JAPAN RIGHT NOW. 04:58 HAVE YOU RULED OUT A MILITARY STRIKE? 05:00 Crosstalk I DON'T WANT TO TELEGRAPH WHAT I'M DOING OR WHAT I'M THINKING. 05:02 Stephen Colbert OKAY. 05:03 BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE THINKING? 05:07 AND THAT YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH MORE CURRENT TECHNOLOGY THAN A TELEGRAPH? 05:12 NO MATTER WHAT TRUMP WAS ASKED IN THIS INTERVIEW, THEY TAPED IT IN MONDAY BUT SHOWED IT THIS MORNING. 05:16 NO MATTER WHAT AINSLEY ASKED HIM, TRUMP NEVER GAVE A STRAIGHT ANSWER. 05:21 Ainsley DID WE SABOTAGE THE NORTH KOREA STRIKE? 05:23 Crosstalk I DON'T WANT TO COMMENT ON IT. 05:25 Ainsley WHAT HAPPENS IF NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES ANOTHER MISSILE? 05:28 Crosstalk WE'LL FIND OUT. 05:29 Ainsley ALL RIGHT. 05:30 Stephen Colbert ALL RIGHT. 05:30 HAVE A GOOD WAR. 05:31 NOW HERE'S A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR, EVERBLAST SUBTERRANEAN LEADLINE BUNKERS. 05:37 EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD. 05:42 THEY'RE STILL WORKING ON THEIR MOTTO. 05:44 THEY'RE STILL WORKING ON THEIR MOTTO. 05:46 ALSO, ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR US? 05:48 ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR US? 05:49 NO? 05:50 BECAUSE I'D LOVE TO BE IN MY BLAST SHELTER WITH SOME PEPSI. 05:52 IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC. 05:54 ALSO, I NOTICED SOMETHING ODD ABOUT HOW TRUMP REFERS TO NORTH KOREA'S LEADER. 05:59 Crosstalk BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN TALKING WITH THIS GENTLEMAN FOR A LONG TIME. 06:02 THEY'VE ALL BEEN OUTPLAYED BY THIS GENTLEMAN. 06:05 Stephen Colbert I DON'T THINK TRUMP KNOWS KIM JUNG UN'S NAME. 06:08 THIS GENTLEMAN? 06:12 ARE THEY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB TOGETHER? 06:14 WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING HIM THIS GENTLEMAN? 06:17 EITHER THAT OR THE BEST NICKNAME HE CAN COME UP WITH IS THIS GENTLEMAN. 06:22 AND MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE KNOWN FOR YOUR NICKNAMES. 06:24 YOU'RE LION TED, YOU'RE CROOKED HILLARY. 06:28 AND THIS GUY IS A NAME BONANZA. 06:32 THERE'S SO MANY YOU COULD TRY. 06:33 WHAT ABOUT SHITAKE MOSHROOM HAIR, OR THE DEER EATER, OR CHAIRMAN COW, OR THE DICTATOR TOT, OR EL PRESIDUMTI, OR THE GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPIGLET? 06:46 ANYTHING AT ALL FOR THIS? 06:51 IT LOOKS FANTASTIC. 06:57 NOW, WE KNOW TRUMP NEVER BACKS DOWN FROM A FIGHT AS LONG AS SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING THE FIGHTING. 07:01 JUST LISTEN, JUST LISTEN TO ONE OF HIS RALLIES LAST YEAR WHEN SOME PROTESTERS INTERRUPTED HIS SPEECH. 07:08 Soundbite GET THEM OUT, GET THEM OUT, GET THEM OUT. 07:10 OH, LOOK, WE HAVE HERE SOME WONDERFUL PEOPLE. 07:15 GET OUT OF HERE, GET OUT, GET OUT. 07:18 UNBELIEVABLE. 07:21 USA! 07:23 USA! 07:24 USA! 07:25 USA! 07:26 USA! 07:27 Stephen Colbert That guy's in charge of the USA! 07:30 Now, that was in Louisville last year, and Trump supporters provided all the slugging, and now those protesters are suing Donald Trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing Olive Garden for inciting breadsticks. 07:49 BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS A SIMPLE COUNTER-ARGUMENT, SUCK IT, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENCY, HE SAYS, MAKES HIM IMMUNE TO LAWSUITS. 08:00 OH, IMMUNE TO LAWSUITS. 08:03 I FINALLY KNOW WHY HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT. 08:07 MR. TRUMP, MR. TRUMP, AS YOUR LAWYER, I SHOULD ADVISE YOU, YOU HAVE OVER 70 PENDING LAWSUITS AGAINST YOU. 08:17 OKAY, I GOT AN IDEA. 08:18 GIVE ME THAT HAT. 08:20 NOW, ONE WHITE NATIONALIST WHO'S BEING SUED BY PROTESTERS, MATTHEW HEIMBACH, CLAIMS THAT TRUMP SHOULD HAVE TO PAY ANY DAMAGES, NOT HEIMBACH, BECAUSE HEIMBACH, QUOTE, ACTED PURSUANT TO THE DIRECTIVES AND REQUESTS OF DONALD J. TRUMP. 08:37 SO TO SUM UP, A WHITE SUPREMACIST ROUGHS UP A PROTESTER, PROTESTER SUES THE WHITE SUPREMACIST, AND INSTEAD OF BLAMING MINORITIES, THE WHITE SUPREMACIST BLAMES HIS PROBLEMS ON A POWERFUL WHITE GUY. 08:50 BABY STEPS. 08:54 BABY STEPS. 08:55 WE WERE THERE. 08:59 MAKE YOU FEEL... SOMEWHERE. 09:02 SOMEWHERE IN HERE. 09:04 TRUMP IS SCHEDULED TO MAKE A STATE VISIT TO GREAT BRITAIN THIS YEAR, AND NOT EVERYONE IN OLD ENGLAND IS FEELING JOLY ABOUT IT. 09:11 A PETITION TO CANCEL THE VISIT WAS SIGNED BY 1.8 MILLION PEOPLE. 09:20 WOW, 1.8 MILLION. 09:24 THAT'S A HUGE NUMBER. 09:26 I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE A FAKE INAGURATION CROWD NUMBER. 09:31 AND HE DOESN'T WANT JUST ANY ARRIVAL WHEN HE GETS THERE. 09:34 TRUMP WANTS A GOLD-PLATED CARRIAGE RIDE WITH THE QUEEN. 09:38 I DON'T KNOW WHY. 09:39 EITHER HE WANTS THE GOLD-PLATED CARRIAGE RIDE WITH THE QUEEN TO MAKE HIM FEEL SO IMPORTANT, OR, OH, NO. 09:46 YOUR MAJESTY, IF YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF TIC-TACS, JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND ROLL OUT. 09:50 JUST GET AWAY. 09:53 AND I'M TELLING HER TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. 09:56 YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'M THE GOOD GUY IN THIS SCENARIO. 10:00 YOU UNDERSTAND? 10:01 I'M BEING HELPFUL IN THE THING I JUST MADE UP. 10:12 AND THE GOLDEN CARRIGE IS JUST ONE OF TRUMP'S FLASHY DEMANDS. 10:14 WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON THE LETTER THAT TRUMP SENT OVER TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE WITH THE REST OF HIS WISHES. 10:19 IT'S THE ACTUAL LETTER BECAUSE IT'S GOT THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL RIGHT THERE, AND YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT. 10:25 LEGALLY, I THINK I COULD GO TO JAIL. 10:27 THEY COULD SEND ME TO AZKABAN FOR DOING THAT. 10:29 I THINK. 10:31 I DON'T KNOW IN ENGLAND WHAT THEY DO WITH THAT. 10:33 ALL RIGHT. 10:33 OKAY. 10:33 HERE WE GO. 10:34 JIMMY, HERE WE GO. 10:35 Eh, dear queen, while I'm in Great England, tremendous Britain, the uck, I demand to do the following things. 10:46 Pull a sword from a rock, kiss a sleeping woman, deport Paddington Bear, decapitate the ex-wife of my choosing, mind the gap, have a slice of shepherd's pie, if that's a sex thing, invade Narnia, and kill Harry Potter. 11:02 SINCERELY, DONNIE. 11:04 BUT IT'S ALL FUNNY UNTIL WE KILLED HARRY POTTER. 11:07 BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. 11:12 I JUST MEAN THE FOUNDING FATHERS WHO GET TO HAVE FUN SPINNING AROUND IN THEIR GRAVES. 11:19 NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT OUR OLD FRIENDS, THE OBAMAS. 11:22 THIS WEEK, BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA WERE IN POLYNESIA, AND SOMEONE MANAGED TO GET US THIS SHOT OF BARACK TAKING A VACATION PICTURE OF MICHELLE, POSING FOR A PICTURE ON A YACHT? 11:34 WOW. 11:35 MICHELLE DECIDED TO PLAGIARIZE MELANIA FOR ONCE. 11:39 CAN WE GET THAT BACK UP AGAIN? 11:42 LET'S GET A CLOSER LOOK. 11:44 HE'S TAKING A PICTURE WITH AN I-PAD. 11:48 DAD, COME ON. 11:53 THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN UNCLE JOE MADE EVERYONE LOOK AT HIS LEANING TOWER OF PENIS. 11:59 WE MISS YOU, SIR. 12:02 WE MISS YOU. 12:08 And the Obamas weren't even the most powerful people on the boat. 12:12 Because joining them on the superyacht were Oprah, as well as Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. 12:19 That is nearly all of America's strategic likability reserve. 12:23 I just pray to God they put Dwayne the Rock Johnson in a secure location. 12:30 We've got a great show for you tonight. 12:34 Soundbite Thank you.