00:01 Stephen Colbert Please have a seat, everybody. 00:03 Thank you so much. 00:04 Welcome back. 00:05 Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. 00:06 Well, Russia continues to be a hot topic around Washington, D.C., and Trump's son-in-law and guy getting a kick out of watching his neighbor's house burn down, Jared Kushner, or the cooch. 00:24 The cooch. 00:24 That's what they call him, right? 00:26 They call him the cooch. 00:27 The mooch and the cooch. 00:30 FROM NOW ON, THE MOATES AND THE COATES. 00:38 HE SPOKE TODAY TO THE SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE IN A CLOSED DOOR, LIGHTS ON, ONE FOOT ON THE GROUND SESSION. 00:46 THEY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT MEETING WITH THE RUSSIANS LAST YEAR, LIKE JUNE 9th, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OF 2016. 00:54 AND I REALIZE THAT JUST SAYING RUSSIAN MEETING DOES NOT 00:58 WITH THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, BUT IT WAS THE ONE WITH DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR AND PAUL MANAFORT AND WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE ALL OF THE BROTHERS KARAMATZOV. 01:10 WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS SAID IN THIS HEARING WHERE HE WAS INTERVIEWED, BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, BUT THE COACH PRE-RELEASED AN 11-PAGE PRE-BUDDLE. 01:22 IN IT, HE LISTED ALL OF HIS RESPONSIBILITIES DURING THE CAMPAIGN, INCLUDING 01:26 WORKING WITH THE FINANCE, SCHEDULING, COMMUNICATION, SPEECH WRITING, POLLING, DATA AND DIGITAL TEAMS, AS WELL AS BECOMING A POINT OF CONTACT FOR FOREIGN GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS. 01:34 HE WAS ALSO IN CHARGE OF BUYING COPY PAPER, REFILLING THE SNACK DRAWER, REMINDING DONALD TRUMP WHAT HIS WIFE'S NAME IS, AND TAKING ERIC TO THE VET WHEN HE STARTED TO MOLT. 01:47 AND NOW, I THINK, I THINK, 01:52 AND KUSHNER WAS SO BUSY, HE DIDN'T KNOW THE MEETING WAS ABOUT RUSSIA HAVING DIRT ON HILLARY, BECAUSE WHEN DON JR. 01:59 INVITED HIM, QUOTE, THAT EMAIL WAS ON TOP OF A LONG BACK AND FORTH THAT I DID NOT READ AT THE TIME. 02:06 SO HE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A CONFIDENTIAL MEETING ABOUT RUSSIA HELPING AGAINST CLINTON. 02:11 WHAT WAS THE SUBJECT LINE AGAIN? 02:12 RUSSIA, CLINTON, PRIVATE CONSIDENTIAL. 02:16 OOH, OOH, I KNOW. 02:19 OH, OH, OH, AN EMAIL. 02:22 I'LL SKIP THE SUBJECT LINE, SKIP THE CONTENTS, AND I'M IN. 02:29 SO, IS THERE ANY REASON FOR THEM ALL TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS? 02:34 WHO KNOWS? 02:35 WHO KNOWS IF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION SHOULD BE WORRIED? 02:38 DONALD TRUMP DOES, BECAUSE ON THURSDAY, TRUMP AND HIS LEGAL TEAM DISCUSSED HIS POWER TO PARDON THOSE CLOSE TO HIM, INCLUDING HIMSELF. 02:48 OH, YES, YES, YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULD KNOW, SELF-PARDONING IS A SIN. 02:56 HOW DO YOU THINK JUSTICE WENT BLIND? 03:00 THEN, THEN, THEN, ON SATURDAY, TRUMP TWEETED, WHILE ALL AGREE THE U.S. PRESIDENT HAS THE COMPLETE POWER TO PARDON, WHY THINK OF THAT WHEN ONLY CRIME SO FAR IS LEAKS AGAINST US? 03:16 FAKE NEWS. 03:19 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY THINK OF THAT? 03:22 YOU'RE THE ONE TWEETING ABOUT IT. 03:24 IT'S LIKE SOMEONE GOING, WE ALL AGREE, I HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE HERPES MEDICATION, BUT WHY THINK OF THAT? 03:31 WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME UP STAIRS? 03:34 ALSO, JIMMY, COULD YOU GO BACK TO THE TWEET? 03:36 THE ONLY CRIME SO FAR? 03:42 WHAT DOES THAT... WHAT IS HE... 03:47 HE'S HEDGING A LITTLE BIT. 03:50 YOUR HONOR, I PLEAD NOT GUILTY. 03:53 SO FAR. 03:56 ALSO IN THAT TWEET, TRUMP CALLED THE RUSSIA STORY FAKE NEWS AND FLOATED PARDONING HIMSELF FOR IT. 04:03 REMINDS ME OF THE PASSAGE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT WHEN THE APOSTLE JUDAH SAID, SURELY I WILL NOT PETRAY YOU, MY LORD, BUT IF I DID, YOU'D HAVE TO FORGIVE ME, RIGHT? 04:12 THAT'S LIKE YOUR WHOLE DEAL. 04:13 ALSO, ARE YOU A COP? 04:14 YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A COP. 04:18 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 04:21 Stick them out.