00:00 Stephen Colbert I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE... WE'VE MISSED YOU GUYS. 00:08 WE'VE REALLY MISSED YOU GUYS. 00:10 WE'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS, IT FEELS LIKE. 00:16 SO THIS IS OUR FIRST SHOW OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. 00:24 YOU EVER REGRET GOING ON VACATION? 00:27 TAKE THE WEEK OFF, THEY SAID. 00:29 AMERICA WILL STILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK, THEY SAID. 00:33 HOW MUCH COULD HE DO IN A WEEK? 00:37 WE WERE HERE FOR THE INAGURATION. 00:39 WE HAD THE INAGURATION SHOW RIGHT AFTER THAT. 00:43 EVERYBODY SAID, WHETHER YOU VOTED ABOUT THEM OR NOT, PEOPLE SAID, LET'S NOT WORRY TOO MUCH, OKAY? 00:51 LET'S WAIT AND SEE. 00:54 WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT TOO LONG. 00:56 THE LINE MOVES REALLY FAST ON THIS RIDE. 01:00 EVERY DAY YOU JUST GET RIGHT BACK ON THE ROLLER COASTER AND START THROWING UP. 01:17 YOU GOT TO GIVE THE GUY CREDIT. 01:19 HE CAN REALLY GET A LOT OF STUFF UNDONE. 01:22 FROM OBAMACARE TO CLIMATE CHANGE TO TORTURE. 01:26 HE'S ALREADY MOVED THE COUNTRY BACK TO 2004. 01:28 IF THIS KEEPS UP, PRETTY SOON, I'M GOING TO LAUNCH THE COLBERT REPORT. 01:41 YOU CAN'T SUSTAIN A SHOW LIKE THAT. 01:43 THIS GUY, TRUMP, IS THAT HIS NAME? 01:46 TRUMP? 01:47 HE IS THE USANE BOLT OF EXECUTIVE ORDERS. 01:51 THE LATEST IS THE ORDER BANNING ANY REFUGEES FROM ENTERING THE COUNTRY FOR 120 DAYS. 02:00 NOW, KEEP IN MIND, THERE ARE CURRENTLY MORE REFUGEES AROUND THE WORLD THAN ANY TIME SINCE WORLD WAR II, AND TRUMP JUST SLAMMED THE DOOR, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE PALM IN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY NOW READS, DON'T LET IT HIT YOU WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLITS YOU. 02:17 NOW, STILL RHYMES. 02:20 NOW, THIS BAN TOOK EFFECT IMMEDIATELY, AND IT CAUGHT A LOT OF PEOPLE BY SURPRISE, LIKE TWO CHRISTIAN FAMILIES WHO HAD PLANNED THEIR DEPARTURE FROM SYRIA FOR YEARS, SECURED ALL THEIR VISAS, AND THEN WERE DETAINED AT PHILADELPHIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, AND THEN PUT ON RETURN FLIGHT TO DAMASCUS. 02:41 YEAH. 02:41 THAT'S LIKE SAYING, WELCOME TO TRUMP'S AMERICA, A SHINING CITY ON A 02:48 AND AT DULES AIRPORT, A FIVE-YEAR-OLD IRANIAN BOY WAS DETAINED FOR HOURS AND KEPT FROM HIS MOTHER. 02:55 OR, AS KALLIAN CONWAY CALLS IT, ALTERNATIVE DAY CARE. 03:01 NOW, IT'S A REASONABLE TERM. 03:09 IT'S A REASONABLE TERM. 03:09 NOW, ALL OF THIS IS UPSETTING IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 03:14 WHICH IS WHY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PROTESTERS SPONTANEOUSLY DEMONSTRATED AT AIRPORTS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY. 03:27 Crosstalk LOOK AT THAT. 03:27 TENS OF THOUSANDS. 03:28 Stephen Colbert THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. 03:28 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANGRY PEOPLE HAVE TO BE TO VOLUNTARILY GO TO JFK? 03:43 JUST WALK TO YOUR DESTINATION, IT'S QUICKER. 03:47 PEOPLE WERE SO ANGRY THAT AT SEATTLE'S SEATAC AIRPORT, POLICE RELEASED PEPPER SPRAY INTO THE CROWD. 03:53 STILL HEALTHIER THAN PANDA EXPRESS. 03:58 AND THERE WAS OUTRAGE ALL OVER THE WORLD. 04:00 A MEMBER OF IRAQ'S PARLIAMENT SAID THAT FOLLOWING THE BAN, IT IS VERY LIKELY THAT IRAQ WILL STOP GRANTING U.S. CITIZENS ENTRY VISAS. 04:08 SORRY, KIDS, THERE GOES SPRING BREAK IN FALLUCIA. 04:12 THOUGH, HONESTLY, WHEN DID THE U.S. 04:16 EVER ASK PERMISSION TO ENTER IRAQ? 04:27 NOW TRUMP HAS RESPONDED TO CRITICISM THAT THE PLAN WAS RUSHED, TWEETING, IF THE BAN WERE ANNOUNCED WITH ONE WEEK NOTICE, THE BAD WOULD RUSH INTO OUR COUNTRY. 04:37 DURING THAT WEEK, A LOT OF BAD DUDES OUT THERE. 04:42 I DON'T THINK PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS EVER USED QUOTATION MARKS BEFORE. 04:50 THAT'S YOUR BUNNY EAR, UNBUNNY EAR. 04:57 NOW, I'M NOT SURE WHY, IT'S JUST KIND OF SPRINKLED IN THERE. 05:03 HE JUST THROWS QUOTATION MARKS IN THERE LIKE CHOCOLATE JIMMY'S. 05:06 THERE. 05:07 THAT'LL MAKE IT TASTY. 05:09 BUT BAD DUDES, SIR? 05:12 IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE MOST EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, THAT'S PRETTY FLIPPANT. 05:16 THERE'S A GOOD REASON WINSTON CHURCHILL DIDN'T SAY, WE SHALL FIGHT THE DUDES ON THE BEACHES. 05:22 WE SHALL FIGHT THE BROS ON THE LANDING GROUNDS. 05:24 WE SHALL FIGHT THE HOMIES IN THE FIELDS AND THE STREETS. 05:28 SHAKA BRAH. 05:30 SHAKA BRAH. 05:43 AND ON CBS'S CBS THIS MORNING THIS MORNING, WHITE HOUSE ADVISER STEVE MILLER EXPLAINED THAT THE PROTESTS ARE ACTUALLY A GOOD SIGN. 05:57 Stephen Miller IF NOBODY'S DISAGREEING WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, THEN YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT REALLY MATTERS. 06:02 Stephen Colbert YEAH. 06:04 YEAH, IF THE MEDICINE DIDN'T KILL HALF THE PATIENTS, HOW GOOD OF A DOCTOR COULD YOU BE? 06:12 THIS WEEKEND WASN'T CHAOTIC AT ALL. 06:14 AS A WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAID LAST NIGHT, IT REALLY IS A MASSIVE SUCCESS STORY IN TERMS OF IMPLEMENTATION ON EVERY SINGLE LEVEL. 06:23 AND YOU KNOW IT WAS A MASSIVE SUCCESS BECAUSE HE SPOKE ONLY ON THE CONDITION 06:32 THAT'S A GREAT SIGN. 06:33 THAT'S A GREAT SIGN. 06:34 YOU'RE ALWAYS PROUDEST OF THE THINGS YOU WON'T PUT YOUR NAME ON. 06:38 I KNOW WE'RE THE CHAMPIONS OF DENYING REFUGEE SHELTER. 06:41 IS THERE ANY WAY WE COULD LEAVE THAT TROPHY BLANK? 06:45 AND THIS WASN'T THE ONLY THING THAT HAS ME RATTLED. 06:50 TRUMP'S TOP POLITICAL ADVISER AND HANSOMEST GUY AT THE LIQUOR STORE, STEVE BANNON, IS NOW 07:00 IS NOW ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL. 07:06 ABOVE THE JOINT CHIEFS. 07:08 IT'S NOT NORMAL TO PUT A POLITICAL STRATEGIST IN A ROOM WHERE GLOBAL LIFE OR DEATH DECISIONS WERE MADE. 07:13 BUSH DIDN'T EVEN DO IT WITH ROVE. 07:16 TURD BLOSSOM DIDN'T GET THE GIG. 07:17 BUT THIS GUY IS IN. 07:20 THE WHITE HOUSE HAS COME TO BAN HIS DEFENSE BY POINTING OUT THAT HE WAS IN THE NAVY. 07:25 OKAY, GREAT, IN THE NAVY. 07:27 NOW WE JUST GOT TO ADD THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER, THE LEATHER MAN, AND THE INDIAN CHIEF AND HOLD THE MEETINGS. 07:43 MIKE PENCE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT PART. 07:48 BUT THAT'S NOT THE THING THAT'S MOST PERSONALLY UPSETTING TO ME. 07:51 YOU SEE, BANNON RECENTLY DESCRIBED TRUMP VOTERS AS THE WORKING-CLASS HOBBITS. 07:57 HEY, NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. 08:02 YOU MIGHT BE THE DARK MEDIA GENIUS BEHIND THE BIGGEST ELECTORAL UPSET IN AMERICAN HISTORY. 08:08 YOU MIGHT BE PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH NEO-NAZIS, BUT NOW WE'RE TALKING TOLKEN. 08:13 THAT'S A SUBJECT I HAPPEN TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT. 08:16 SO SORRY. 08:17 SORRY. 08:27 Sorry, Steve Bannon, if that is your real neck. 08:31 There is no working class in Hobbiton. 08:34 It's an agrarian society. 08:37 The only working class citizen of Hobbiton is Ted Sandiman, the Miller, and he's the bad guy. 08:42 He scoffed at Samwise Gamgee, said Bilbo was cracked, and allied with Saruman in the scouring of the Shire. 08:51 So, so... 08:54 STEVE BANNON, WHEN IT COMES TO HOMBITS, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN FOR A WHILE. 09:04 LAY IT UP. 09:06 Stephen Miller LAY IT UP. 09:07 Stephen Colbert THE RESTRAIGHT I AM SHOWING RIGHT NOW. 09:12 Of course, the next item on Trump's to-do list is picking someone for the Supreme Court. 09:16 And today, Trump announced he has a big decision and that he has made a very big decision. 09:26 Donald Trump We have a big decision that I have made, a very big decision, on the United States Supreme Court. 09:36 THAT IS GOING TO BE ANNOUNCED TOMORROW NIGHT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE AT 8 O'CLOCK. 09:42 Stephen Colbert YES. 09:43 TRUMP WILL BE ANNOUNCING HIS SUPREME COURT PICK TOMORROW AT 8 P.M. LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. 09:49 IT WILL BE THE MOST EXCITING SUPREME COURT ANNOUNCEMENT SINCE JUSTICE KAGAN BURSTED THROUGH A BANNER AT THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW. 09:57 AND JUST TO DRIVE THE HYPE MACHINE, TRUMP HAS RELEASED THIS AD TO PROMOTE THE ANNOUNCEMENT. 10:06 Soundbite This Tuesday at 8 p.m., entertainment gets supreme. 10:11 From executive producer Donald Trump, it's Supreme Court domination 2017. Who will Trump choose? 10:21 Gorsuch, Hardiman, Friar, Busey, Dice Clay, or Truckasaurus? 10:26 How many jobs can Steve Bannon have? 10:31 This Supreme Court is gonna rule. 10:35 Brought to you by MetroPCS.